Men are from EARTH. Women are from...

A stray rant that never got into my book somehow...

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"Men are from Earth.  Women are from some other damned place.”

Did you ever notice the men in soap operas?

I have some dumb soap opera blaring away in the background and there are these two grown men having a conversation about relationships.  News flash:  Men do not sit around talking about relationships.  Well, straight men don’t.  

Seems like every time I catch a glance at a soap opera, there are perfectly normal looking men talking about relationships.  Read my lips:  Men do not talk about relationships with other men, unless they are gay.  No wonder women can’t find the man of their dreams.  They think men are actually going to express their feelings in words.  No way in Hell.  My guess is all the writers of soap operas are women and gay men, because they have men down completely wrong on these shows.

“I am very concerned about Victor’s relationship with his son Blaze.”

“Yes, I worry about that, too.  What will Blaze think if he finds out the truth about Rip’s friendship with Carlos?”

“Perhaps there is a way we can get Jacob and Susan to help Carlos explain things.”

Men do not talk like this.  Men talk like this:

“Didja see the tits on that Becky Sue down at the truck stop?”

“Now, that’s what I am talk’n about!  When I get them big tires on my truck, I’m gonna make a run on that shit.”

“Can I come along?  I don’t mind sloppy seconds.”

“Shee-it, Hoss, There won’t be nothing left of that when I’m done.  I’m gonna tear that up!”

That is how men talk.

What the world needs is a soap opera that gives women a realistic view of what men are really like. In all my fifty years here on the cockroach planet I have never seen a man wearing his pants so you can his butt crack on a soap opera.  But, seems like I see at least one every time I stop into a gas station.  How can this be?  Even the plumbers on soap operas don’t show off their butt cracks!  No dang wonder women have a completely warped view of what men are like.

Make that fifty one years.

From what I can tell, here is what women want in a man:  

He needs to be kind and caring and compassionate. He needs to be well dressed. Macho. Sexy. Wealthy, but does not care about money.  Professional, but home with the family all the time. Strong and forceful when dealing with the world and a complete pushover when dealing with the woman in his life.  He must have a strong sex drive, but only want to have sex with her.  (Yeah, right.)  He needs to love her trashy family with all its problems.  He likes long walks on the beach.  Doesn’t matter if there is a beach within a thousand miles or not. Sunsets.  For some reason if I guy says he doesn’t like sunsets, no woman will like him.  And, even though he is a wealthy professional, active in his community, he needs to spend endless amounts of time on global vacations and eating at restaurants and talking about relationships.

Did I miss anything?

What it boils down to is most women are out there with this shopping list of what they want in a man and they never seem notice that no human being can possibly be all those things at the same time.

Where do women get these absurd ideas about men?  Soap operas.  I mean, the doctors on soap operas have time to stand around and talk about relationships, right?  For some reason there is never somebody in the next room spurting out blood who might need some doctoring.  Last time I was at the hospital I never saw a doctor who was not running around at a full gallop.  Not to mention, most doctors spend about twenty three hours a day working, so good luck ever seeing him at home.

Think about it.  How many times have you seen a private jet on a soap opera?

All right, now, how many of us own private jets?

On soap operas they ride in private jets more than they ride in cars.

Besides, most men are just happy with bigger tires for the truck.

Men are simple creatures.  What do men want in a relationship?

Small list:

Provide sex.

Take care of kids.

Cook food.

Look pretty when you are supposed to.

And, shut the Hell up, already.

The strange thing about this is the list most men have is very possible.  Women just don’t want to do those things.  Men are not asking for the impossible in a woman.  It is very possible for a woman to do these things.  It is, however, highly improbable that most men will ever find such a woman.  This is why men order wives from other countries, by the way.  I think that will be one of the more enlightening points I will make in my book, when I write it.  Women have a long complicated, completely impossible wish list when it comes to men.  Men have a short, simple, yet improbable wish list.

For any women who do not believe me, all I can say is:  What do you do when you are trying to snag a man?  Let me guess.  Provide, imply or promise sex, show how much you love kids, cook food, look pretty, and hold your tongue.  Sound familiar?  You know what we want.  Men are simple.

Men are from Earth.  

Women are from some other damned place where they write soap operas.